Easter turducken

Most traditional holidays are syncretised perversions of even older traditions, which then get secularized into excuses to eat a whole bunch. Christmas falls, not coincidentally, close to the winter solstice, and borrows heavily from earlier winter festivals, featuring lots of gingerbread, candy canes, traditional hams and large family feasts. Thanksgiving, being largely a continuation of post-harvest feasts in Europe, has always been about eating. We have, of course, taken this to ridiculous extremes with turducken, a Thanksgiving dish prepared by…

…cramming a boneless chicken into a boneless duck, which is stuffed into a boneless turkey. Three kinds of stuffing are layered between the three kinds of meat and the monstrosity is cooked for a very long time. The end result, when cut, is a fantastic food rainbow that must be eaten to be believed.

Easter, which may or may not have been named after a pagan fertility goddess, falls conveniently close to the spring equinox, allowing the syncresis of rabbits, eggs and the rebirth of nature into a ritual about the slaughter and rebirth of God. Easter also now has been subverted into being about eating, though hasn’t yet been taken to the extremes of Thanksgiving turducken.

Until now.

Making Easter turducken is, fortunately, much easier than a traditional turducken, as it abandons all that pesky protein while fully embracing the empty carbohydrates and fat. While technically Easter turducken is a dessert and traditional turducken a main course, they should never be consumed in the same meal. That would be heresy.

As with traditional turducken, Easter turducken starts from the inside out. The core is formed with miniature Cadbury cream eggs:

Take an ordinary peep and make a large slit in the bottom, as deep as possible without going all the way through:

Stuff an egg into the slit, stretch the sides around it, and fold the peep’s tail down. Repeat with a few more peeps.

The outer layer finally makes good use of one of the more odious culinary travesties, the irritating hollow bunny. As a kid, nothing was more annoying that thinking you’d been given a huge block of chocolate, and it turns out to be empty. To get the egg-stuffed peep goodness into this abomination, first you must open the bottom. Anything worth doing is worth doing with power tools, so take a dremel and cut around the perimeter of the bottom:

Once the hole is made, stuff the now egg-bloated peeps into the bunny. Note that some hollow bunnies suck even more than others, and crack and fall apart really easily, so be careful. Once you’re done, put the bottom back on. The really ambitious might try re-melting the seam in the bottom closed with a crème brûlée torch.

Voilà, the loathsome hollow bunny is transformed into several thousand calories, as God intended. Many children wonder around Easter how it is that bunnies lay eggs. As a side benefit, Easter turducken illustrates clearly that this “theory” is wrong. Obviously bunnies lay chickens, which then lay the eggs. Mystery solved.

Now fully prepared, the Easter turducken can be eaten. There is probably some kind of psychological test about what part of the bunny you eat first. I always go for the neck. Since it is held together only by a cheap-ass hollow bunny, once you start eating your turducken, it will collapse rapidly. Be prepared for a mess.

Yummy. A guess at the nutrition information for a three peep turducken:

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size:
  1 Easter turducken • 98g

Amount Per Serving
Calories  456 Calories from Fat  158
% DV*
Total Fat  18g 27%
    Saturated Fat  11g 44%
    Trans Fat  0g  
Cholesterol < 15mg 4%
Sodium  74mg 4%
Total Carbohydrate  70g 24%
    Dietary Fiber  0g 0%
    Sugars  65g  
Protein  6g 11%

Enjoy your Easter turducken. And bring lots of paper towels. And maybe a bib. Let me know how your own turn out.

90 thoughts to “Easter turducken”

  1. What a great idea! Why haven’t I thought of that. Heck, jelly beans always seem to add something, however, I think I’ll go with the chocolate…..yum, chocolate.

  2. This is fantastic. I had hoped to avoid any hollow chocolate rabbits or eggs, but now I know what to do if I receive one….

  3. You are truly, one, mentally ill individual. I love it.

    BTW, it’s spelled “ridiculous”, derived from “ridicule.”

    [Editor’s note: TextMate’s spell checker sucks.]

  4. If your Easter leaves you with the need to be anesthetized – take one hollow chocolate bunny (a good one – no leaky holes – you’ll be drinking from it) and bite its ears off (hey, it wasn’t a good day – get even). Now – mix Kahlua ™, milk, and Coco-Cola ™ to a pleasing taste. Pour this into the bunny. Add a straw. Paper umbrellas are optional. Sip slowly while contemplating your day. Does it still seem so bad? When empty – eat bunny…..day should seem a little brighter now.

    This has been named the “Bunny Foo-Foo” – don’t knock any field mice over the head. Don’t drive either. A blue fairy might turn you into a goon. Or at least put you in the drunk tank with some goons. Stay home. Have another Peep ™ or two.

  5. It is my plicy to avoid ingesting foods that contain the letter sequence “turd.”

  6. I see that the War on Easter marches on.

    Giant steak knives and dremels cutting up cute little bunnies and peeps makes Jesus cry.

    So sad.

    Looks like the terrorists have finally won.

    (sniff, followed by a solitary tear rolling down my manly cheek)

  7. You don’t need a brulee torch to reseal the bunny. Hot water on a fingertip will usually do it. Get the cut surface and smooth the seam visible on the outside. Not a very strong weld, but it’ll generally hold well enough.

  8. Would this not be a bunpeeegg? This would avoid dmw’s issue with t-u-r-d, but I guess it is replaced with potentially off-putting letter sequence.

  9. I am impressed with the relatively healthy turducken! who knew such a thing could almost be good for you!

  10. I worry about someone named “Bunny” posting repair instructions for other bunnies. If it was Dr. Bunny it would be ok.

  11. carving knives, dremels and torches – oh my! Any recipe that calls for those kinds of tools to make it is definitely worth a try.

  12. You’re evilllll… πŸ˜‰ The best part is that it actually has fewer mg of salt than it has calories, a rule of thumb for moderate salt diets. Not that a turducken is in any way, shape, or form moderate. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  13. At the risk of gilding the lily, might I suggest inserting a jelly bean into each Cadbury egg prior to peepification? It’s ambitious and it’s over the top, I know, but…

  14. I witnessed a masterpiece of demented Easter candy tomfoolery — many years ago a friend (call him Abe) bought a dozen chocolate Easter bunnies on clearance, then proceeded to send terroristic demand letters to another friend (call him Ben) of ours (this was before 9/11) in broken, ranting English threatening dire harm to one of Ben’s bunnies for each week that Abe’s demands were not met. Each letter contained photographs of the poor bunnies, and each week there was a letter detailing the horrible demise of one of the bunnies, along with photo documentation. The ends chosen for the bunnies were clever, demented, twisted, hilarious — often all at once.

    Ben had no idea who was sending him the letters, had no prior association with the bunnies, or anything.

    To top it all off, Abe took the extra step of mailing the letters to a confederate in another state, to be remailed to Ben, adding to the mystery.

    After the last bunny was killed, Abe revealed his identity and gave Ben a gift of copies of all the correspondence in large srapbooks.

    In case you get bored stuffing Easter candy …

  15. Holy god, I couldn’t eat more than half of mine.

    This…this is a masterful creation, but humans were not meant to toy with such things!

    Thank you.

  16. A knife plunged into hot water and then dried would do lots of the cutting very well, esp. if you want to try lil’ brown bat’s ambitious jelly bean project. it’ll also seal the bottom back on a little easier than a torch (which makes the choclate yucky and burnt if you’re not careful) but then again knives, even when hot, aren’t quite as fun as dremel tools. use your discretion!

  17. To lil’ brown bat: you might consider jellybeans to fill the “dead air” in the bunny into which Peeps cannot reach, sort of like a layer of stuffing. I personally think that jelly beans would wreck the delicate boquet of the Easter turducken, but you gotta please your own tongue.

  18. This would make an excellent dessert to follow the Trolmonibut we plan to have! (That’s a trout inside a salmon inside a halibut.)

  19. It needs microwaved, just a little bit, to cook all the ingredients together.

  20. I honestly cannot stop laughing at this. My girlfriend keeps asking what my problem is.

    May I suggest deep frying the Easter turducken?

  21. Might I suggest the name “Easterducken”? Thus avoiding the “turd” problem.

  22. Oh Cummon, don’t you have to bite the head of the Peeps off first?
    According to my DH, biting the heads off of Peeps, then leaving them for others to find is a fine Easter tradition….

  23. I’m surprised the fingers in these photographs are not a hell of a lot chubbier.

  24. I thought, liking all of the ingredients we’d like it. I was too much…..

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  26. Finally, the platypus is not the only mammal with a duck bill that lays eggs!

  27. That was always scarring as a child finding that your giant egg was filled with air. Since when did hens ever lay air eggs? By the way, the pagan stuff about Easter, not just a maybe but very true. The Tutonic Goddess Eoster or Eastre had a pet bird that layed eggs (as you do) which she turned into a rabbit which continued to lay eggs. And that’s the story of easter. I mean didn’t people wonder what the hell rabbits and eggs had to do with jesus being bunged on a cross? Damn church hijacking holidays and making it about love rather than good old fashioned sex.

  28. Right on, Lara. Let’s all go back to the basics of being one with nature and embrace our pagan history!

  29. Peeps are disgusting. however, mini marshmallows should serve as the stuffing where peeps can’t get for sure. However, I would modify it thusly: Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs stuffed in a slightly larger hollow chocolate egg, with a melty mixture of marshmallow and graham cracker crumbs stuffed inside a large hollow bunny. You know, the one that’s far, FAR too much to eat in a few sittings even though it’s hollow. Just a thought.

  30. Thanks for the idea. I was an easter hit with Turducken Bunnies.
    You can, if you want, split the Cadbury egg and put a malt-bag egg inside befor stuffing the peep. The cadbury egg gives easily at the seam, and when you close it back up the carmel goo sticks tight.

  31. Would it be possible to use Passover Gelt(Gold foil covered chocolate coins) in some fashion so our
    Jewish friends won’t feel left out as some do at Christmas? When I eat this much sugary goodness at once, I get to feeling benevolent, beneficient and Bene Geseret.

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