On being the Unoffcial Apple Weblog’s bitch

September 9th, 2005 — Wordman

The Unoffcial Apple Weblog is offering a contest where if you link to ten of their stories, you might win some sort of trendy music player. In spite of the fact that no mention is made of how this contest will be judged, allow me to prostitute my blog for the benefit of their pagerank:

  1. Occasionally, they cover software choices of pundits you’ve never heard of. Reminds me of my own software recommendations.
  2. TUAW questions the voices of prophets from time to time. So do I.
  3. We are also both concerned with noise, though I worry more about indoor silence.
  4. TUAW tries to be humorous. This TUAW story has a lot in common with one of my own blog entries, in that neither of them is funny.
  5. I like when they hail evolution. I do so love evolution.
  6. While their coverage of a nice recipe program was typically fluffy, it made me appreciate having a superior wife than the one mentioned in the story, who lets me do stuff like this.
  7. Some of their unnecessary editorialization and personal sharing I genuinely agree with.
  8. We also have similar taste in radio.
  9. Every once in a while, TUAW offers a pointless contest. So do I.
  10. Obviously their best story because it links back to me. Well, almost. It actually links to Engadget, who link back to me. That TUAW decided to route through a sister site for no reason doubtless tells you all you need to know about their journalistic integrity.

Update: Shockingly, this didn’t win.

Update 11 Oct 2006: Not long after this contest completed, the post announcing the contest vanished. Over the intervening time, I sent some queries to TUAW about this but never got a reply.

Sound of silence

June 9th, 2005 — Wordman

A month ago, I posted a list of song lyrics with a challenge for my readers to identify them. My plan at the time was to post the answers after a month had gone by. In the interim, however, there have been zero responses, which means that some or all of the following are true:

  • I have no readers
  • The list was overly difficult
  • The list was overly long
  • My readers are lazy bastards
  • My readers are apathetic and grumpy

Whatever the reason, I’ve now resolved to never post a solution to the original list, but will leave it up for the intrepid. C’mon, surely you can at least guess one or two! As for the difficulty and length, I also offer the following, alternate list:

  1. I wanna rock and roll all night
  2. I am Iron Man
  3. It’s a small world, after all
  4. Silent night, holy night
  5. Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire

Ripping my CD collection

May 9th, 2005 — Wordman

This has been done before, so it’s not an original idea, but it’s long. Identify the lyrics in the following list (without using a search engine). The only hint you get is that I either own the album containing the lyric, or have performed it live for an audience at some point. Oh, and no band is repeated, though some artists may be. Some of these may be overly easy, others are nearly impossible. Post your guesses.

  1. Impotence. Boomerang. I’ll stab you.
  2. I’m worse at what I do best
  3. Bein’ alone’s a nowhere state of mind
  4. Feel me in your bones
  5. And, every night, I shut my eyes so I don’t have to see the light
  6. But singers and songs will never change it alone
  7. But, I ain’t never punched a tourist
  8. If you can feel what I’m feeling then it’s a musical masterpiece
  9. Although we both lie close together, we feel miles apart inside
  10. There’s just five words to say as you go down
  11. The ashtray’s full and I’m spillin’ my guts
  12. Everything I want the world to be is now coming true, especially for me
  13. No matter the pain, he ought to be unwinceable
  14. I’ve been everything you want to be
  15. Since birth I’ve been cursed with this curse to just curse
  16. She says it’s lack of sex that’s bringing me down
  17. Here I lie, in a lost and lonely part of town, held in time
  18. But many came, to much for Cree
  19. Scabbed knees and rice
  20. Je veux aller au bout de me fantasmes
  21. I know you, little libertine
  22. Your prison is walking through this world all alone
  23. He moves through space with minimum waste
  24. I drip steam like a microphone fiend
  25. My energy’s spent at last and my armor is destroyed
  26. Help me, I’m flaming. I must be a hundred and nine.
  27. It took a rumor to make me wonder
  28. Don’t believe in anything that you can’t break
  29. There’s a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
  30. I take things off to clear my head
  31. Hey, Mr. Moonlight wont’cha follow me down? I need the company.
  32. Your pride has built a wall
  33. Half my life is in books’ written pages
  34. Dressed for the battle but not fatigued, my hat’s made of metal to avoid debris
  35. Jenata iazdi samotna
  36. Got my pills ’gainst mosquito death
  37. Here come the planes. Please form a straight line.
  38. Mom, please flush it all away
  39. Picture this. Paint a picture. Picture perfect. Paint a perfect picture.
  40. I am losing my mind. My head’s on the floor, for evermore.
  41. Don’t think ’cause I understand, I care
  42. Next to her cheap silicone, I look minimal
  43. No serenade, no fire brigade
  44. His days of asking are all gone
  45. Won’t go to Harlem in ermine and pearls
  46. Reflections in the waves spark my memory
  47. It could be normal but it isn’t quite
  48. Giant, ape-like invaders swim the river to New York
  49. Funny how my memory slips while looking over manuscripts
  50. Two eyes from the east
  51. Who knows? Maybe you were kidnapped, tied-up, taken away, and held for ransom
  52. I’ve felt the coldness of my winter
  53. Cuius latum perforatum aqua fluxit et sanguine
  54. I’m working, but I’m not working for you
  55. When in doubt, I whip it out
  56. Back street hoop star, you’ve got it good
  57. Burns like a red coal carpet, mad bull lost it’s way
  58. Daddy’s got a new .45
  59. Wake in the world with a clear conscience and clean hands
  60. Some people stand like trees, without a word
  61. London, Hamburg, Paris, Rome, Rio, Hong Kong, Tokyo
  62. If I swallow anything evil, put your fingers down my throat
  63. Dorsum nudum fero tui sceleris
  64. Convenience is the enemy
  65. I’ll get home early from work if you say that you love me
  66. To leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo
  67. You make a move, I’ll make you feel like a human target
  68. He hears the silence howling, catches angels as they fall
  69. Sometimes you tell the day by the bottle that you drink
  70. And when I hurt, hurtin’ runs off my shoulders
  71. Breathe into me and make me real
  72. Put your straitjackets on tonight
  73. Have they lost their heads, or are they just all blind mice? We’ve heard all their stories one too many times.
  74. He’d give up all his comforts and sleep out in the rain
  75. Those not so blessed would be crying out murder
  76. Yes, I believe, but I’d rather not pray
  77. Give me your dollar whores
  78. Wider baby smiling you’ve just made a million
  79. You’re lucky to even know me. You’re lucky to be alive.
  80. Who will stay when the rain is fallin’ and won’t let it fall on you?
  81. Put the needle on the record while the drum beats go like this
  82. They’re borders and boots on top of us, pullin’ knobs on the floor of their toxic metropolis
  83. Night blooms will whisper to me “I’m lonesome as I can be”
  84. I will stand firm in the tempest
  85. Your CIA, you see I ain’t kiddin’
  86. I’m hard, but I’m friendly, baby
  87. I gave you a golden ring to show you my love, you went to stick it in a printed circuit to fix a voltage leak in your collector
  88. My fantasy has turned to madness
  89. I missed the bus and there’ll be hell today
  90. We are watered down and fully grown
  91. I left my body laying somewhere in the sands of time
  92. Please, I want a silver kitchen knife. I feel like taking a life.
  93. Your cotton ain’t rotten, just needs to be picked
  94. Snarling equinox among the rocks will seize you
  95. But the wind blows stronger, cold and long
  96. Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
  97. You smile as I sip
  98. But look at Epitaph. He wins it by a half.
  99. The roar of guns and cannons almost made me cry
  100. I’m telling you, the tribesmen wouldn’t stand for this, man
  101. When I get through throwing it on you, you gotta come back for more
  102. Tied to machines that make me be
  103. Bought a beat up six string in a secondhand store
  104. This girl was in her working clothes
  105. I don’t like a thing about your sister
  106. A built-in remedy for Kruschev and Kennedy
  107. I got to laugh, ’cause I know I’m gonna die
  108. I know you’ll be a star in somebody else’s sky.
  109. And where are all the gods?
  110. No, I’m not here to harm you; I only want to kill
  111. I had to tell them, baby, you were armed with all you’d need
  112. My favorite weapon is the look in your eyes
  113. …but first, take care of head
  114. It’s not so pretty when it fades away
  115. Run in the shadows. Damn your love. Damn your lies.
  116. The billions shift from side to side
  117. Like staring at the sun, such gorgeous destruction
  118. The doctor came in, stinking of gin, and proceeded to lie on the table
  119. I saw the seven phials open, the plague claimed man and son
  120. He gave his life for tourism
  121. I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen
  122. She obliterated everything she kissed
  123. It’s the same old theme since 1916
  124. The cutout magazines remind me
  125. You’ll be dead before your time is due, I know
  126. We have nothing here except ourselves
  127. The comfort you’ve demanded is now mandatory
  128. The great almighty dollar leaves you lonely, lost and hollow
  129. Give me my freedom, and then you lock me in a tomb
  130. I’m goin’ down in it three times but, Lord, I’m only comin’ up twice
  131. Past eight by tens in shattered frames
  132. In Bengal, to move at all is seldom, if ever, done
  133. Some balls are held for charity, and some for fancy dress
  134. And you, you are a victim of this age
  135. I’m about to ruin the image and the style that you’re used to
  136. Tell me: when did the light die?
  137. The soul I took from you was not even missed
  138. Hey, cool cat, does this apply to you?
  139. Trade in your hours for a handful of dimes
  140. I’m a five foot mirror for adoring himself
  141. Men drinking beer with the foam afloat heard…
  142. All this machinery making modern music can still be open hearted
  143. Later on, they discovered this would make a great way of life for them
  144. …only stupid people are breeding, the cretins cloning and feeding
  145. I’m gonna hurt you if it happens twice
  146. Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a leading role in a cage?
  147. I could change my life to better suit your mood
  148. I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve become
  149. The dusty road that’s ahead will be my board and my bed ’til what I am looking for is found
  150. Keep smiling until then